I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
