i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I think i peed on brittanys purse
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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