Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
