i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
