just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
