Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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