Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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