Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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