I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
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