Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
