This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
