Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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