the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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