i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
