Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
