Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
