i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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