I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
