Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
