My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
