So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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