I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize