she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
