therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
