i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
