Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
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Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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