i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
