it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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