paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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