how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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