So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
