My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
