God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
