I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
