I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
