I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
