sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
