i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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