we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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