a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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