i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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