Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Non-Jews are for practice
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
