Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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