I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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