Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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