Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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