My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
