i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
