i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
