And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
That was before I lit my hair on fire
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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