I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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