i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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